JE N'ADORE PAS!

This thing is called an Aye Aye. We can't look at this posting long enough to tell you what it is, so click here to find out more. Ugh! We're so nauseous right now...

J'ADORE OUR READERS!

J'ADORE HOW WE FEEL ON THE INSIDE!

J'ADORE K-HEY!

In the words of the great Joni Mitchell, "I am on a lonely road, and I am traveling, traveling, traveling. Looking for something. What can it be?" We have all felt like this at least one way or another. We know we definitely have!

Well, we our proud to J'Adore that our most J'Adorable friend, Marshall Hey, finally found that special something in that special someone whom we all know as K-Fed. These two found each other on that most J'Adorbale of nights, New Year's Eve, at one of the most romantic places in South Beach....MANSION!

Anyway, needless to say, this happy couple is livin' large and free stylin' all over each other.....though only when K-Fed isn't away on his tour of the capitals of the Midwest!

J'Adore K-Hey!

J'ADORE JE N'ADORE PAS!

Today we're experimenting with something that only Lindsay Lohan for Miu Miu could do to us. Today's posting combines both a big J'ADORE and an even bigger JE N'ADORE PAS! Let us explain...

For one, we Je N'Adore Pas this photo because it's Lindsay, and we think that's enough reason for us. BUT...

We J'Adore it for the photograph as a whole...the red metallic ottoman, the doll-like pose LL is giving, the shadows, the corner set, the hair, the makeup, the EXTENSIVE Photoshop work....it's all very Jean Paul Goude, but it's not, because it's Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott.

Big J'Adores all around to this duo for creating such a work!

J'ADORE CRY BABIES!

George W. Bush finally shed a tear today during a ceremony for Cpl. Dunham who was killed when he jumped on a grenade to save fellow members of his Marine patrol while serving in Iraq! Dubya SHOULD be crying.

He should be crying over the hundreds of thousands of lives and families he's destroyed. He should be crying over the president he wrongfully had murdered when he himself has done worse, all in the name of the "fight against terror". He should be crying for taking the lives of our sons and daughters and of those of the Iraqi people.

But what he should cry for most is the despicable human being he is and for leaving the most tarnished legacy no other American president has left before him.

Cry, Bitch, Cry.

J'ADORE SPEAKING ENGLISH!

More people should learn it!
Especially George W. Bush!

Find out what I'm talking about here.

J'ADORE MORE NEW YEAR'S GREETINGS!

Not only did we hear from Douglas Friedman today (see below), but our other most J'Adored West Coaster, Darryl Gibson, just emailed us photos from his fabulous time in Marrakech over the New Year! Did everyone go someplace exotic over the holidays except for us?!? Je N'Adore Pas!

Anyway, how gorgeous is Darryl giving you Adidas chic in front of ages old Moroccan Mosaic?

Darryl has always told us about his kinky fetish of pretending to be a floor lamp while boys turn him on and off, but we think this guy wants his hat back. Ne C'est Pas?

Traveling to exotic lands always brings with it foreign customs that confuse and amaze us, but we're totally beside ourselves trying to figure out why these bitches are fishing for Coca-Cola bottles. Can't they just go to the local deli like everyone else?

J'ADORE ALCOHOLICS IN THE CARIBBEAN!

One of the many things we love about our J'Adorable life is the freaky friends that have shown up on our doorstep over the years. You remember Douglas Friedman, photographer du jour, from his last visit to Halong Bay, right?

Well, this morning we awoke to find in our email box New Year's greetings from Douglas sipping cocktails at 11am at Basil's Bar on the Caribbean island of Mustique! Apparently, the bar just went wireless which I guess is BIG news for desolate island resort towns! We're not sure, but we're just glad to know he's still trolling sandy stretches of beach looking for that one man who will pick him up off the sand and take him back to his hotel room!

We J'Adore you, Douglas!

J'ADORE LA GRUNING CHEZ LE CHATEAU!

One of the highlights of our most recent holiday trip back home to Los Angeles was ringing in the new year at the Chateau Marmont over a gorgeous lunch with the most J'Adorable David Gruning.

We sipped vintage Chateauneuf de Pape, we dined on warm lentils and succulent chicken paillard, and most J'Adoringly talked shit about all of our friends and acquaintances. Email us and we'll tell you what he said about you...

Moments later, Lindsay Lohan walked in with an entourage of 7 losers, and we gave her a BIG Je N'Adore Pas! Right to her face! She thought we were asking for an autograph. Stupid whore.

J'ADORE BAGGAGE CLAIM!

J'ADORE DOLPHIN BOATS!

We're all about this dolphin boat thing, but being that we're way tired because we partook in way too much sake and Japanese BBQ with the parental figures, we're kindly asking that you read more about this new aquatic contraption here! Many J'Adores...

J'ADORE IN 'N OUT!

Okay, sluts! We know what you were thinking, but the In 'n Out motions we're talking about relate to the one and only place in Southern California to get a hamburger! We're about to run out and get a double double with cheese (no onions) and french fries like you've never had french fries before!

For all you bitches not living on the west coast, check out IN 'N OUT to see what you are missing. And trust us, you're missing out on ALOT!!!

J'ADORE FLASH FICTION!

By definition, flash fiction is a sub-genre of the short story characterized by word length. There is no official or exact word limit, but flash-fiction stories are generally less than 2,000 words long, and tend to cluster in the 250- to 1,000-word range.

One day, at their regular round table meeting at the Algonquin Hotel in Manhattan, Ernest Hemingway said to William Faulkner, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Dorothy Parker and other literary notables attending: "I'll bet each of you ten dollars that I can write a novel in only six words. Place a ten dollar bill in front of you. I'll write the words on this paper and fold it. When you hear the words if any of you disagree with my statement, I'll pay each of you ten dollars. If there are no objections, I take your money."

Faulkner unfolded the paper and read:

"For Sale. Baby Shoes. Never Used."

Hemingway collected.

J'ADORE ART FRAZZLE!

We know. We know. We haven't been posting, and Art Basel is already old news, but wait!!!! We have a good excuse! We've been busy at our day jobs producing fab events. We know. We know. That's ALWAYS our excuse, but it's true! We do this blog for YOU. For FREE! So, you're just going to have to wait 'til we have the time. Anyway, we spent a J'Adorable week down in Miami Beach for the cluster fuck that is the Art Basel Fair, and hilarity ensued... When we call it Art Frazzle, we REALLY mean it!

Our week started with two nights of tastings at the new and J'Adorelicious Lido restaurant at The Standard Miami! Yes, there was more than ONE reservation made. This was just the first one!

The first night, we dined with our favorite Colombian, Juan Carlos Arcila Duque...actually, he's our second favorite. Our first favorite Colombian we are not allowed to mention by name as he's in the "export" business, and we don't want his cartel to kill us. Nuff said.

After dinner, we cozied up to the bar for a digestif only to find the gorgeous Jason Harler getting even cozier with the J'Adoriffic Claire Darrow. Poor Jason is still trying to prove his manhood even though we all know he's lighter in the loafers than Anderson Cooper!

After the night's festivities, we took part in what would become a nightly ritual while staying at The Standard Miami....a midnight swim in the 80 degree infinity pool! J'ADORE!

You all know we love taking photos of ourselves, cuz we're narcissistic hookers over here, but when our J'Adorable underwater camera produced this photo of near auto-fellatio, we J'Adored all over ourselves! Can this photo be any more J'Adorable? We think not!

Walking back to our room we felt like we were cruisin' the boardwalks on Fire Island! Shadowy characters lurking in their terrace bathtubs hidden behind nothing but sheer flowy fabric...we're surprised we didn't get more action!

The Miami Standard is a spa hotel, in case you didn't know, and the wet rooms all have bathtubs on their terrace. Lord only knows we got anything BUT wet on our trip down to Miami...(I hope you know we're totally playing the virgin here and we're totally lying!)

It was back to work the next day, and that meant visiting the famed Raleigh Hotel which was host to many of Art Basel's main attractions. Here we see the Raleigh pool where Esther Williams filmed many of her aquatic masterpieces. If only we had taken synchronized swimming in college instead of that utterly useless international business course!

When we tell you Cubans got it going ON, you best believe us! The J'Adored Emilia Menocal gives us some hot ASS Cuban action while we play with her in the waterfall! Victoria Secret has got NOTHING on us!

After our first two events on Tuesday night were finally over, we needed to let off some steam in a major way. Luckily, our most J'Adored supermodels, Magdalena Wrobel and Shirley Mallmann, were coincidentally down in Miami and joined us at J'Adorable Jennie Yip's Buck 15.

We also ran into Hottie McHotstuff, Gabby Mejia, that night. Bitch was TURNING IT OUT on the turntables wearing nothing but some vintage John Galliano as one normally does on a Tuesday night!

Wednesday night's dinner for Jimmy Choo really wrecked us, so when Billy Farrell invited us up to the Patrick McMullan headquarters at the Ritz Carlton for some champagne, we couldn't refuse. It was only when we saw the mess of four photographers living together in one room that we reconsidered our stance on refusal!

The rest of the night proved rather uneventful, until we ended up at Sante D'Orazio's book party. As you can see, Sante and Tico Mugrabi were having a lot more fun than we were!

Outside in the garden, we ran into Jackie Astier and Peter Davis who obviously were over all the paparazzi shooting them all night. You'd think after flying them both to Istanbul, they would at least stop and pose for a picture for us!

Wednesday's nightly swim brought with it great fear and trepidation. Lurking in the water, we thought we had run into the much fabled Hot Ness Monster!

Upon closer inspection, we realized that it was not the Hot Ness Monster, but rather, the J'Adorosity that is Lehua Chong! Work it out, co-worker Bitch!

The moon that evening kept us curiously J'Adoring it all night. A bit hazy, a tad brighter than normal and mysteriously accompanied by a suspicious ring. Fellow midnight swimmers referred to it as The Harvest Moon, but we doubted them as the Harvest Moon generally appears in September.

The next day, the ringmaster himself, Mr. Andre Balazs, stopped by The War Room (actually my hotel room), to see from where all things were being commandeered. He snapped this photo and left feeling content. Little did he know we were orchestrating the return of US troops from Iraq, but as long as he thought we were working on his projects, we were all in the clear!

Thursday night was the most anticipated night of the week. With all the hottest parties happening then, we didn't know where we should start. We began with Yvonne Force Villareal and Mark Fletcher's garden dinner at The Standard Miami.

We bumped into the J'Adorgeous Casey Spooner giving fierce Kuwaiti fashion!

In the crowd, we spotted our two most favorite artistes du jour, Jack Pierson and Fernando Santangelo. They hadn't yet noticed us, so we just kept J'Adoring on our own.

WWD's J'Adorable Elisa Lipsky-Karazs pulled up a towel next to us for dinner.

After dinner, we, with Jack Pierson, Hugo Guiness, Joseph Sheftel and Fernando Santangelo, headed over to catch Dita von Teese's shameless Viva Glam cowboy spectacle at the Delano .

We're really a bit too ashamed to tell you what transpired that evening after this photo was taken...

...what we CAN tell you is that we came home at 7:00am to find our most J'Adored friend, Chris, in our bed in nothing but his American Apparel underwear! Just the way we J'Adore him! (Obviously, the above photo is not of Chris in our bed. Actually, we don't even know the above guy, but Chris was wearing the same shorts in grey...so you figure it out.)

As our week came to a close with cloudy skies and gale force winds, we passed by the pool to say goodbye to it, only to find crazy ass Kate Schelter taking a casual hurricane swim! That bitch has got to lay off the sauce!

After a week of The Frazzle at Basel, we were J'Adoring finally being home.

J'ADORE JESSICA CRAIG MARTIN!

We're furiously going through our photos, files and empty bottles of tequila from last week's maddening Art Basel Fair in Miami Beach in order to bring you the latest from the fair, but in the meantime, we didn't want to leave you a whole week with out something to J'Adore!

So, today we're J'Adoring British artist, Jessica Craig Martin, and our favorite photograph of hers! This is NYC's finest man about town, Anthony Haden Guest, and if our memory serves us correctly, this photo was taken at Indochine's 20th Anniversary party which we helped organize in November of 2004!

Obviously, Anthony had a little too much fun that night, and Jessica had even more fun taking the picture! Let's all J'Adore JESSICA CRAIG MARTIN together now!

J'ADORE FINE ART!

So we're off to ART BASEL tomorrow where we're going to endure a cluster fuck of fashion, art, parties, socialites, dealers (hopefully the good kind), artists, party crashers and who knows who else! We're tired, and we're missing you. Hopefully, we'll be able to post while we're down there, but if not, please know we J'Adore you and will be back at you on the 9th of December....if we survive! Je n'adore pas!

J'ADORE THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!

Once upon a time,

a girl asked a guy

"Will you marry me?

The guy said "No"

and the girl lived happily ever after

and went shopping, drank martinis,

always had a clean house, never had to cook,

remained skinny, and was never farted on.

THE END

Thank you to our J'Adorable Yaa for sending us this tale of independence....even though her eyes wander more than our hands do!

J'ADORE 20/20 VISION!

Ummm, can we talk about Monica Thompson, Deputy Photo Editor at In Touch Magazine?

It seems that she's spent WAY too much time in front of her computer screen looking through photos of Mary Kate and Ashley cuz Bitch done gone lost her eyesight and is needin' some crazy ass spectacles to see.

DAMN! At least she got gorgeous green eyes to magnify. J'ADORE!

J'ADORE ALFONSO BERACASA!

ALFONSO BERACASA

January 2, 2005 - November 14, 2006

Today is a very very sad day. Our beloved Alfonso Beracasa, son of the J'Adored Fabiola Beracasa, has unexpectedly passed on to the big dog park in the sky.

We first met Alfie this past summer during one of our sun soaked weekends in the Hamptons. He welcomed us into his home when our hosts weren't yet there to greet us. He showed us to our room, and he didn't even mind when we pulled him into bed with us while we lay there naked trying to fall asleep. (Actually, it wasn't our bed. It wasn't even our room. We were drunk, and we ended up wearing a CHANEL suit shortly thereafter, but that's another J'Adorable story all together!)

That's the kind of dog Alfie was. He loved with all his heart. He entertained like there would never be another party again. He never judged anyone (even when you're a drunk naked freak pulling him into bed with you!)

We ask that you all say a prayer for the untimely passing of little Alfie. Take comfort in the fact that he's somewhere out there guarding the door to the closet that holds a CHANEL suit of your very own!