Our week started with two nights of tastings at the new and J'Adorelicious Lido restaurant at The Standard Miami! Yes, there was more than ONE reservation made. This was just the first one!
The first night, we dined with our favorite Colombian, Juan Carlos Arcila Duque...actually, he's our second favorite. Our first favorite Colombian we are not allowed to mention by name as he's in the "export" business, and we don't want his cartel to kill us. Nuff said.
After dinner, we cozied up to the bar for a digestif only to find the gorgeous Jason Harler getting even cozier with the J'Adoriffic Claire Darrow. Poor Jason is still trying to prove his manhood even though we all know he's lighter in the loafers than Anderson Cooper!
After the night's festivities, we took part in what would become a nightly ritual while staying at The Standard Miami....a midnight swim in the 80 degree infinity pool! J'ADORE!
You all know we love taking photos of ourselves, cuz we're narcissistic hookers over here, but when our J'Adorable underwater camera produced this photo of near auto-fellatio, we J'Adored all over ourselves! Can this photo be any more J'Adorable? We think not!
Walking back to our room we felt like we were cruisin' the boardwalks on Fire Island! Shadowy characters lurking in their terrace bathtubs hidden behind nothing but sheer flowy fabric...we're surprised we didn't get more action!
The Miami Standard is a spa hotel, in case you didn't know, and the wet rooms all have bathtubs on their terrace. Lord only knows we got anything BUT wet on our trip down to Miami...(I hope you know we're totally playing the virgin here and we're totally lying!)
It was back to work the next day, and that meant visiting the famed Raleigh Hotel which was host to many of Art Basel's main attractions. Here we see the Raleigh pool where Esther Williams filmed many of her aquatic masterpieces. If only we had taken synchronized swimming in college instead of that utterly useless international business course!
When we tell you Cubans got it going ON, you best believe us! The J'Adored Emilia Menocal gives us some hot ASS Cuban action while we play with her in the waterfall! Victoria Secret has got NOTHING on us!
After our first two events on Tuesday night were finally over, we needed to let off some steam in a major way. Luckily, our most J'Adored supermodels, Magdalena Wrobel and Shirley Mallmann, were coincidentally down in Miami and joined us at J'Adorable Jennie Yip's Buck 15.
We also ran into Hottie McHotstuff, Gabby Mejia, that night. Bitch was TURNING IT OUT on the turntables wearing nothing but some vintage John Galliano as one normally does on a Tuesday night!
Wednesday night's dinner for Jimmy Choo really wrecked us, so when Billy Farrell invited us up to the Patrick McMullan headquarters at the Ritz Carlton for some champagne, we couldn't refuse. It was only when we saw the mess of four photographers living together in one room that we reconsidered our stance on refusal!
The rest of the night proved rather uneventful, until we ended up at Sante D'Orazio's book party. As you can see, Sante and Tico Mugrabi were having a lot more fun than we were!
Outside in the garden, we ran into Jackie Astier and Peter Davis who obviously were over all the paparazzi shooting them all night. You'd think after flying them both to Istanbul, they would at least stop and pose for a picture for us!
Wednesday's nightly swim brought with it great fear and trepidation. Lurking in the water, we thought we had run into the much fabled Hot Ness Monster!
Upon closer inspection, we realized that it was not the Hot Ness Monster, but rather, the J'Adorosity that is Lehua Chong! Work it out, co-worker Bitch!
The moon that evening kept us curiously J'Adoring it all night. A bit hazy, a tad brighter than normal and mysteriously accompanied by a suspicious ring. Fellow midnight swimmers referred to it as The Harvest Moon, but we doubted them as the Harvest Moon generally appears in September.
The next day, the ringmaster himself, Mr. Andre Balazs, stopped by The War Room (actually my hotel room), to see from where all things were being commandeered. He snapped this photo and left feeling content. Little did he know we were orchestrating the return of US troops from Iraq, but as long as he thought we were working on his projects, we were all in the clear!
Thursday night was the most anticipated night of the week. With all the hottest parties happening then, we didn't know where we should start. We began with Yvonne Force Villareal and Mark Fletcher's garden dinner at The Standard Miami.
We bumped into the J'Adorgeous Casey Spooner giving fierce Kuwaiti fashion!
In the crowd, we spotted our two most favorite artistes du jour, Jack Pierson and Fernando Santangelo. They hadn't yet noticed us, so we just kept J'Adoring on our own.
WWD's J'Adorable Elisa Lipsky-Karazs pulled up a towel next to us for dinner.
After dinner, we, with Jack Pierson, Hugo Guiness, Joseph Sheftel and Fernando Santangelo, headed over to catch Dita von Teese's shameless Viva Glam cowboy spectacle at the Delano .
We're really a bit too ashamed to tell you what transpired that evening after this photo was taken...
...what we CAN tell you is that we came home at 7:00am to find our most J'Adored friend, Chris, in our bed in nothing but his American Apparel underwear! Just the way we J'Adore him! (Obviously, the above photo is not of Chris in our bed. Actually, we don't even know the above guy, but Chris was wearing the same shorts in grey...so you figure it out.)
As our week came to a close with cloudy skies and gale force winds, we passed by the pool to say goodbye to it, only to find crazy ass Kate Schelter taking a casual hurricane swim! That bitch has got to lay off the sauce!
After a week of The Frazzle at Basel, we were J'Adoring finally being home.
David Gruning checks out Doug's offerings. We have a feeling this isn't the first time he's done so!
Supermodel Michele Hicks smiles politely as she plots our ass kicking in her head cuz we're blocking the door to the bathroom!
As the two ambien we've taken slowly start to mix with the fifth vodka rocks we've imbibed, we ponder stepping outside the plane for a quick cigarette.
Zac Posen leans over Paz de la Huerta to whisper sweet nothings into Nemo Labrizzi's ear.
After 10 hours on that damn flight, the sight of the pez colored buildings of Istanbul are a Godsend!
In the middle of the bus ride from the airport to our hotel in Bebek, Mickey Boardman of Paper Magazine pulled a Rosa Parks demanding that he no longer sit in the back of the bus! Billy Farrell just lauged and took pictures of the embarassing episode.
The entrance to the Dolmabaci Palace. The only one allowed through the front gate was the king! I guess they never have had a QUEEN visit before!
The view of the Bosphorous and the continent of Asia from our balcony. Whatever.
With over 5000 shops in The Grand Bazaar, we were done with our shopping in just under an hour!
Sex pot, Kate Schelter, and Trovata's, John Whitledge, both go into shock at Friday night's party, after seeing our MONSTER...camera. (What did you think they saw???)
Valentino's Carlos Souza weeps with joy as Doug tickles his left scrotal sack.
Rufus, Earl of Albemarle, is seduced by the hysterical glamour that is Dita von Teese!
DJ Eve Salvail (aka the bald supermodel with the tattoo on her head) turns it out in the dark. And, yes, she wears her sunglasses at night.
Although we were stuck in our room seating 400 guests for Saturday night's black tie dinner, we at least had a GORGEOUS view of the historic Ciragan Palace.
To add insult to injury, while we were holed up in our room, we had to watch all of our guests get shuttled out to the Savarona, the world's fourth largest private yacht, for an ultra-glam brunch and cruise up the Bosphorous!
David Kuhn was totally mesmerized by our hotness while Antony Todd bored, we mean, welcomed our 400 guests to dinner!
Nothing says black tie like diamond encrusted black onyx nestled in the cleavage of London party goddess, Rena Sini!
The cleavage is hot, but Rena's eyes makes us J'ADORE all over ourselves!! 
Still WASTED from the night before, Kate Schelter quickly realizes that the skinny plant in Ataturk Airport which she was kissing goodbye was not Bridget Hall as she had orginally thought.
