J'ADORE SANDY HOOK, NJ!

We had the most amazing of days today! Last night, after a few sips (aka bottles) of wine, we decided we were going to go to Sandy Hook, NJ, most famously known for its nude beaches. We're not nudists at all, but it was gorgeous in NYC this weekend and we'd never been, so what's a little tits, ass and balls every now and then (hopefully not on the same person!!!).

We woke up really early and headed down to Pier 11 at the South Street Seaport to catch the 40 minute ferry ride over. We were met with some obstacles, but we overcame them, as we always do, and made it onto the ferry, and we were on our way!

We arrived, and when we got off the ferry, it was not what we expected at all! It looked like colonial Williamsburg which is so NOT a nudist beach. Where were our highly anticipated tits, ass and balls?!?! We later learned that Sandy Hook was a (former?) military base and hence all the tract homes circa 1944...

We finally arrived to the beach after a horrendous 5 minute shuttle ride on a mini yellow school bus! It felt like 5 hours, but we digress. We were excited to see what J'Adorosities this beach was awaiting to spew upon us, but being that this was a nude beach, we knew that our camera would most probably not be welcome.

This 80 year old woman was laying out her towel upon which to lay and sun her naked loins....or so we thought...it turned out that it was NOT a towel at all, but rather, her LABIA MAJORA which she was discreetly trying to conceal! We squealed and ran in the opposite direction!!!

Why must nudists always go shell hunting which always entails BENDING OVER towards unexpecting sunbathers! If we wanted to see axe wounds, we'd rent Friday the 13th from Blockbuster! JE N'ADORE PAS!

We didn't know that beach patrol were also allowed to go nude!!! I'm sure after a long day on that ATV our poor little patrol boy needed a massage to the rear.....or at least some moisturizer. Can't be fun in the sun!

We sooooo wish we had brought some band aids with us because this 3oo pound woman couldn't have enjoyed dragging her bloody nipples along the sand the way she was! That shit must hurt MAJOR! If those breats hung any lower, they would have been trailing yards behind!

This one we so didn't understand. This bitch of a ho was doing a straight up naked hand stand in the middle of the ocean....nothing but spread legs and va-jay-jay pointing to the sun! WTF?! Was she trying to trap a seagull? Was it a message to extraterrestrials to come and beam her up? All we know is that for those 10 seconds of a hand stand, the beach was overcome with a rancid stank of week old tuna in a can left out in the sun!

This little troupe of boys were all the rage this afternoon. They were giving you MEAT and greet all the way from one end of the beach to the other! Not one person they wouldn't stop to say hello to. OVER HERE! HELLOOOO!!!

The only real unfortunate thing to happen to us today was the fact that we had to plop ourselves down right next to a VERY naked Robert Isabel. If you don't know him, don't try to get to know him. He's a bitter BITTER event planner queen from the Studio 54 days. If you want to know what tired and tacky is, look him up. He's listed and located in the meatpacking district....Je N'Adore Pas! And to add to his misery, his little friend is really small and shriveled up!

By 7:30pm, we were back in lower Manhattan looking all tanned and gorgeous with our nether regions still tingling from all the salt water in which they partook! J'Adore nude sunbathing! It's really not that stressful except for that one moment where your eyes might fall up on glistening bodies and your favorite member might stand up at attention and say J'ADORE! But until then, keep your champagne wishes and caviar dreams alive! We know we do!

J'ADORE GUILLERMO!

We have never been fans of Jimmy Kimmel.....EVER! But this take on the Bourne Ultimatum is pretty fucking funny. Watch and J'Adore!

J'ADORE HAIR RESPONSIBILITY!

We just received this commercial from a friend of ours in Brazil who said he couldn't stop laughing every time he watched it. At first, we were like, "Dude! It's a hair commercial!", but then we watched it, we actually did let out an audible chuckle. Probably because we can totally relate. We give gorgeous shiny hair on the daily! J'Adore!

J'ADORE XANDER!

Listen up, Bitches! We want you to meet our good friend Xander. When we tell you that this bitch is the most J'Adorably SICK person we've ever known, you know we ain't lying.

We met this one in September of 2002 at 5 in the morning after we had finished working the Stella McCartney store opening party (which was beyond J'Adorable in itself).

We went to Bungalow 8 at around 2 to see our other partner in crime, Darryl Gibson, and after a long night of partying, we went to Cafeteria for an early morning meal. We walk into the place and there was Xander wearing nothing but leather hot pants, a leather collar with 2 foot long leather strands and a 5 foot feather sticking out of his afro-hawk! SICK SICK SICK!

It was only after he had finished his 20 minute runway presentation that we were able to order, but that's the price you pay for being allowed to observe him in all his glory.

In our 11 years in NYC, we have never met anyone that gives you self-identity like Xander does. He loves you. He loves himself. And he certainly would never care if you gave him a Je N'Adore Pas! Cuz who are YOU?!?! WORK! J'ADORE!

J'ADORE (GOING) DEEPER & DEEPER!

This is one of our most J'Adored videos of all time. With Sofia Coppola, Debi Mazar and that freaky German guy that's everywhere and nowhere all at the same time, Madonna turned it out, giving us an anthem for our late teens to which we would bump hips for years thereafter. Plus, the video is set in our hometown of Los Angeles, and that's BEYOND J'Adorable!

Do we want to talk about the symbolism in the balloons or shall we just leave it be on a Friday night?

J'ADORE WTF?!?!

This footage of supposed UFOs was shot over Haiti on the evening of August 6, 2007. Okay, bitches. We would J'ADORE to know that aliens are flying over earth, but we find it so fucking hard to believe. Why can't we just capture one and show the world they exist so that we can just move on???

We personally don't believe we are alone in the universe. With George W. Bush as the most powerful man in the free world, there's got to be more to aspire to. Give us a damn alien. A spacecraft. A new narcotic. What? Who said that?

Whatever. We want to believe. We really do. But we're not going to until someone drops some alien DNA in our lap......and we don't mean THAT way.....dirrrrrty. You guys are always so dirrrrty. Jeez.

J'ADORE PASHA!

One of our most J'Adored fragrances is Pasha by Cartier. Launched in 1992, this fragrance embodies the travels of the Cartier brothers, specifically Louis, to India in the early 1900s. With its notes of mint, citrus, musk, amber and moss, it's the perfect fragrance for the daytime.

J'ADORE HELLO KITTY!

There was a piece in the New York Times on Tuesday which reported that Thai police officers are being punished for showing up late, littering, parking in the wrong spot or whatever by wearing pink Hello Kitty armbands! Hello Kitty is supposed to be for little girls not macho police officers, it was stated. J'Adore! We'd totally wear one every day!

J'ADORE JIMMY!

Our good friend, Kevin Dickson, from In Touch Magazine in Los Angeles just posted these two unbelievable videos of "Jimmy" on his MySpace. Above is the Bollywood classic and below is M.I.A.'s anthem cover! They're both just BEYOND J'Adorable! You have to watch the end of the Bollywood version. WTF?!?!

JE N'ADORE PAS!

Oh, J'Adorable Bitches....promise us you'll never get old! Today we turned 32 years old, and we could have never imagined coming this far so soon. Where does the time go? We still look 24, and we're way too J'Adorable to actually complain but birthdays when you're old just aren't the same!

Above, Jackson Pollock's Number 32, 1950, enamel on canvas, Kunstsammlung Nordrhein-Westfalen, Düsseldorf.

J'ADORE NOT HATING US BECAUSE WE'RE J'ADORABLE!

J'ADORE BIG GIRLS NOT CRYING!

This past weekend, Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry was all over the radio, and although we didn't like it at first, it started growing on us and now we totally J'Adore it! But there's one thing.... we don't understand the line that goes "I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket..." WTF? We're letting that one go.

And in other big girls not crying news, we came across this monstrosity of a video. It makes us wrench in disgust thrusting us deep into a Je N'Adore Pas state of mind, but it's bizarrely addicting. We actually watched it til the end.

J'ADORE CLAMBAKES!

We can't even begin to tell you how much fun we had this weekend. We went out to Long Island to see our very good friends, Zaiya Latt and Shirley Mallmann, and they showed us the time of our lives! They took to us a clambake in the middle of the bay just off of Bellport. Literally, we were anchored in the MIDDLE OF THE BAY digging for clams and BBQing them right there on the water! Above are Matt, Zaiya, Patricia, Shirley, and the J'Adorable little Axil posing on the ladder.

The scene of the bake! Three boats were anchored behind us!

Digging for clams! Thank God it wasn't crabs!

The floating BBQ!

Katie, Liz & Kyle....poster children for underage drinking!

Our Master of Ceremonies, Jack Antos! He was totally giving us Britney Spears with his seaweed wig. She should look into it. Would look better than the mess she's got now!

The J'Adorelicious Zaiya Latt!

Matt drank a little bit too much, and we lost him for about an hour. We eventually found him laying on the bay floor. Luckily, three codfish were giving him mouth to mouth and keeping him going!

We didn't get this one's name, but we could have sworn we saw him in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue circa 2003.

A little video of the clambake in action!

J'ADORE WTF???

Money is the root of all evil! ARMAGEDDON!

And in other Armageddon related stories, the below is a classic radio broadcast. Turn up speakers.

J'ADORE GETTING CAUGHT BETWEEN THE MOON AND NYC!

The view of Manhattan from our roof! J'Adore!

J'ADORE CRAZY BAPTISTS FOR BROWNBACK!

We just received the CRAZIEST email from our good friends Jarett and Monica over at In Touch Magazine. It seems that the wacky fundamentalist group, Baptists for Brownback, are having their day!

For a while now, they have been praying to the good Lord to smite Christina Aguilera and to save their Christian children from the filth and heresy that is her music, in turn, sealing shut the doors to "harlotry and sodomy". Below the full account of their answered prayers....

Christina Aguilera Finally Tastes Her Just Desserts!
Folks, sometimes God works in mysterious ways. He’ll do something for reasons you, in your puny mortal ignorance, cannot fathom. So be it. It is not up to us, and especially you, to question His wisdom. However, events such as tornadoes, earthquakes and the unending persecution of President George W. Bush can have the effect of drying up your well of faith. Jesus and I understand this, even as we rebuke you for your weakness.

But then, every once in a while, the Lord will take action so obviously necessary, so clear in its intent, that Christians everywhere find their faith-wells overflowing with the sweet, crystal waters of Christ’s eternal justice. Just such an event occurred over the weekend.

I am speaking of course of the “upper respiratory infection” that has struck down Miss Christina Aguilera, her “dancers” and various members of her “crew”. A “singer” of popular “music”, Aguilera has lost her voice, and has been forced to cancel a series of concerts in Australia. You may read and revel in the full details here.

Lord only knows how this strumpet contracted her throat infection. I do not want to know. But suffice to say these lyrics, from one of her songs, provide a clue:

“Hush now, don’t say a word

I’m gonna give you what you deserve

Now you better give me a little taste

Put your icing in my cakeYou nasty boy (boy)

“Oh no, ooh there I go again

I need a spanking, ’cause I’ve been bad

So let my body do the talkin’

I’ll slip you that hot, sweet, sexy lovin’ (lovin’)”

Those words come from a song titled, “Naughty, Nasty Boy”, which may as well be the official anthem for harlotry and sodomy. One can only imagine how many unplanned sexual events occurred as a result of impressionable young minds being exposed to such filth.

But thanks to the majesty and power of God, the blaring megaphone of Christina Aguilera’s sexual terrorism has been muffled.And Praise Jesus is all I can say to that! Why not head on over to Christina Aguilera’s official website to express your support for the decision of the Ultimate American Idol judge.

In Christ’s Name,
Tobin Maker, resident pastor,
Baptists For Brownback 2008

What's Jarett's favorite line you ask? It has to be...

"But thanks to the majesty and power of God, the blaring megaphone of Christina Aguilera’s sexual terrorism has been muffled."

He's really BIG on sexual terrorism! J'Adore!!!

J'ADORE OUR READERS!

We started this blog in February of 2006....exactly a year and a half ago. We were bored at work. We had nothing better to do. We thought that we had something to say, and we really just wanted to entertain our inner circle of friends.

But over that year and a half, we've had over 16,400 visitors to our site. Some of you our friends, some of you strangers that came and left....offended, disgusted, humiliated, amused, disturbed, whatever....

But most of you kept coming back. This fascinates us. You come from Nagano, North Hollywood, Berlin, Miami, Madagascar, South Africa, Sao Paolo, Riyadh, Montreal, Beijing, Jamaica, Trinidad & Tobago, New Orleans, Cairo, Fort Worth (we REALLY want to know who you are in Fort Worth!!!)....we could go on. It was amazing to us how you found us, and how you J'Adored us daily. We can't tell you how much it means to us.

We would like to hear from you all. We want you tell us who you are, what you do, why you like us, why you hate us, what you want to read when you visit, what you J'Adore, what you Je N'Adore Pas.... ANYTHING! Send us a photo, we'll post it. Send us a story, we'll J'Adore it.

All you have to do is EMAIL US! You know you want to! Just do it!

J'ADORE DRAMATIC CHIPMUNK!

This little guy is making the rounds on the net. We're not sure why it's so funny. Sometimes, things just are. Apparently, there are many incarnations of the "dramatic chipmunk", which in actuality is a prairie dog, but the below is one of our favorites!

J'ADORE PARALYZED BLIND DATES!

OMG!!! Yesterday, we went to visit our friend, Ro...., ummm, let's just call him, Cocoon. He's leaving us for a month long adventure through northern Maine and Vermont tomorrow. We'll miss him MAJOR but are hoping he'll bring us back some lobster and cheese! J'Adore!

Anyway, he told us the most J'ADORABLY horrid story that really can only happen in New York City.

For the first time ever, Cocoon answered a gay personal ad on Craig's List and arranged to meet this guy.....let's call him Gargamel....for coffee. After receiving his picture via email, Cocoon decided Gargamel was attractive enough and worth his time to meet.

So, they made plans to meet later that afternoon and when Cocoon walked in to the coffeeshop, he spotted Gargamel across the room, but something was not right. As Cocoon approached Gargamel, Cocoon began to notice that Gargamel's face wasn't as he had seen it in the picture that had been emailed.

The right corner of his mouth was sloping downward, his right eye was half sealed shut, his left cheek was pulling back toward his ear, his left eye was bulging and the eyelid was twitching! He looked like a cross between Shrek and Shelley Duvall! WTF?!?!

Cocoon being the quick witted NYer he is, immediately asked Gargamel if he wanted anything and ran to the bar for a cup of coffee garnering himself a minute or two to figure out what he was going to do with this MONSTROSITY of a blind date he had just met.

Graciously, (Cocoon is from the south and would never want to make anyone feel ill at ease), Cocoon sat down for what had already proved to be a disaster of a blind date. After a few minutes of conversation, Gargamel disclosed that he had recently had dental surgery which had accidentally pinched a nerve which in turn had temporarily rendered his face HORRID!

Shortly thereafter, 7 minutes to be exact, Cocoon finished his coffee and left, thanking his date for a lovely afternoon!

Okay bitches.....let us ask you one question....if your face was horribly disfigured after a botched molar extraction, would you go on a blind date or would you reschedule for the week after when you were back to normal?

Yeah....us too!

J'ADORE THE QUOTE OF THE DAY!

" Only when you leap will the net appear." - Zen Proverb