J'ADORE SANDY HOOK, NJ!

We had the most amazing of days today! Last night, after a few sips (aka bottles) of wine, we decided we were going to go to Sandy Hook, NJ, most famously known for its nude beaches. We're not nudists at all, but it was gorgeous in NYC this weekend and we'd never been, so what's a little tits, ass and balls every now and then (hopefully not on the same person!!!).

We woke up really early and headed down to Pier 11 at the South Street Seaport to catch the 40 minute ferry ride over. We were met with some obstacles, but we overcame them, as we always do, and made it onto the ferry, and we were on our way!

We arrived, and when we got off the ferry, it was not what we expected at all! It looked like colonial Williamsburg which is so NOT a nudist beach. Where were our highly anticipated tits, ass and balls?!?! We later learned that Sandy Hook was a (former?) military base and hence all the tract homes circa 1944...

We finally arrived to the beach after a horrendous 5 minute shuttle ride on a mini yellow school bus! It felt like 5 hours, but we digress. We were excited to see what J'Adorosities this beach was awaiting to spew upon us, but being that this was a nude beach, we knew that our camera would most probably not be welcome.

This 80 year old woman was laying out her towel upon which to lay and sun her naked loins....or so we thought...it turned out that it was NOT a towel at all, but rather, her LABIA MAJORA which she was discreetly trying to conceal! We squealed and ran in the opposite direction!!!

Why must nudists always go shell hunting which always entails BENDING OVER towards unexpecting sunbathers! If we wanted to see axe wounds, we'd rent Friday the 13th from Blockbuster! JE N'ADORE PAS!

We didn't know that beach patrol were also allowed to go nude!!! I'm sure after a long day on that ATV our poor little patrol boy needed a massage to the rear.....or at least some moisturizer. Can't be fun in the sun!

We sooooo wish we had brought some band aids with us because this 3oo pound woman couldn't have enjoyed dragging her bloody nipples along the sand the way she was! That shit must hurt MAJOR! If those breats hung any lower, they would have been trailing yards behind!

This one we so didn't understand. This bitch of a ho was doing a straight up naked hand stand in the middle of the ocean....nothing but spread legs and va-jay-jay pointing to the sun! WTF?! Was she trying to trap a seagull? Was it a message to extraterrestrials to come and beam her up? All we know is that for those 10 seconds of a hand stand, the beach was overcome with a rancid stank of week old tuna in a can left out in the sun!

This little troupe of boys were all the rage this afternoon. They were giving you MEAT and greet all the way from one end of the beach to the other! Not one person they wouldn't stop to say hello to. OVER HERE! HELLOOOO!!!

The only real unfortunate thing to happen to us today was the fact that we had to plop ourselves down right next to a VERY naked Robert Isabel. If you don't know him, don't try to get to know him. He's a bitter BITTER event planner queen from the Studio 54 days. If you want to know what tired and tacky is, look him up. He's listed and located in the meatpacking district....Je N'Adore Pas! And to add to his misery, his little friend is really small and shriveled up!

By 7:30pm, we were back in lower Manhattan looking all tanned and gorgeous with our nether regions still tingling from all the salt water in which they partook! J'Adore nude sunbathing! It's really not that stressful except for that one moment where your eyes might fall up on glistening bodies and your favorite member might stand up at attention and say J'ADORE! But until then, keep your champagne wishes and caviar dreams alive! We know we do!