Friday, March 31, 2006

J'ADORE NIVEA CREME!

If you don't Nivea yet, you have to. Available at Duane Reade for just 99 cents, it's the perfect moisturizer for hand and body! And it fits so snug in your pocket! J'Adore!

We love the Arabic too. C'est completement chic, non? Moi, je crois oui!

J'ADORE COURAGEOUS FASHION EFFORTS!

We just had a blogger wet dream come true! The New York Times Style Magazine has just paid the J'Adore Joey offices a visit. Although I can't reveal their identities, only the Times Style people can pull off spring fashion as it is depicted above.

Notice the rays of light emanating from their fabulosity!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

J'ADORE J'ADORING OURSELVES!

It's no mystery to the friends of J'Adore Joey that we are OBSESSED with ourselves! It's not really our fault. We were born Leos. We were born cute. We were born funny. What do you expect? That we should turn our attention outwards? Hardly.

So it's that time of the day where we salute our most favorite mythological figure, Narcissus, depicted above, circa 1597, by one of our most favorite Italian Masters, Caravaggio.

We all know Narcissus as the one who was so devastatingly beautiful and who was unable to love anyone who loved him. Then, one day, he saw his reflection in the pond and immediately fell in love with himself. It was also that pond that eclipsed his life the day he fell in, while adoringly loving himself.

On a side note, we want to send out a very special shout out to our NUMBER ONE FAN, Ariane, who wrote in to tell us how much she loves J'Adore Joey, only reminding us just how much we J'adore ourselves too!

JE N'ADORE PAS!

JOEY: "Hello. I'm gonna have a glass of the Orvieto while I look over the menu, please."

WAITER: "Excellent Choice. Would you like to hear our specials tonight?"

JOEY: "That would be lovely. Yes, please."

WAITER: "Our fish special tonight is a pan seared Turbot with a gorgeous mucous glaze. The throat is slit open so the meat real soaks up the flegmmy flavors. It comes served with the Turbot's testicles, pan fried and stuffed with a slightly fermented vaginal cheese."

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING? AND WHO THE HELL WOULD ORDER SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE THAT!?!?

J'ADORE SUPERJUSTICE!


Ding dong the witch is dead! The fucking bitch got arrested! (Sung a la Wizard of Oz)

So it turns out that Naomi was arrested this morning in NYC for assaulting yet ANOTHER one of her assistants. Naomi, aka La Diabla Negra, allegedly threw an object (probably her stretched out, used up flabby vagina) at her poor 41 year old assistant who is currently at Lenox Hill Hospital getting stitches.

This is the type of story that makes us never take for granted our designer clothes and the price for which we must pay.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

J'ADORE HURRICANE SEASON!

I just saw on The Weather Channel that New York City is about to get hit with a Category 5 hurricane, and they're calling it KIMRY!

She's heading up the Eastern Seaboard, gaining pressure and momentum in the Raleigh, North Carolina area, and she's expected to hit the Isle of Manhattan on the 28th of April.

WARNING to all NYC residents!!! Board up your windows! Keep your sons and husbands locked away! Put bottles of Vodka on your stoops to prevent her from breaking in!

This one is going to be a whopper of a weekend storm!!!

J'ADORE HIDING THE SALAMI!



Do you totally remember doing this when you were a kid?

I'd stand in front of the mirror for HOURS trying to hide my apperatus. I say HOURS cuz it was virtually impossible for me to make it happen. It would always show from one angle or another, but I digress...

Anyway, this is an ad for Antonia, some Italian "women's only" store or spa or lesbo bar. Who knows.

Thanks to my bitches at DListed! for sharing...

J'ADORE BONNIE TYLER!



Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit tired listening to the sound of my tears... Total Eclipse of the Heart!

What? It's not my heart that is eclipsing this time around? It's the sun? What else are you saying? I'm not gonna get to see it up here in NYC? Only bitches in Ghana and Turkey?

What the hell am I talking about this for? Guess I'll have to wait until 2008 for the next one.

TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN!

J'ADORE MONKEY MAIL!

If you haven't yet sent a friend of yours a Monkey Mail, you're missing out...BIG TIME. I hate to fall prey to these mass marketing campaigns, but this one is just too much fucking fun.

It's hosted by Career Builders (you know the commercials with the guy trying to work with a bunch of monkeys), and it lets you choose a monkey, dress it up, place it in some freaky setting and make it say whatever you want.

I've been sending it out to everyone, and I fall out of my chair laughing everytime.

To send your own Monkey Mail, click the link below.

MONKEY MAIL!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

J'ADORE THE CLAW!

I love this story because it happens ALL THE TIME! Who are these stupid ass rubber kids that can fit through a hole that didn't even fit my arm when I was their size. And look at the dumbass, sitting in there like all those toys are his, like he just won the claw game!

No one fuckin' wins the claw game! He's gonna cry like a bitch when they pull him out of that damn thing.

Monday, March 27, 2006

J'ADORE PARADISE!

This weekend I was able to watch Paradise Now, the Oscar nominee for best foreign language film. The movie follows two childhood friends who grow up under the oppression of the Israeli regime and who are chosen to become martyrs for the cause through a suicide bombing mission on Tel Aviv.

Profoundly poignant in that it portrays an objective view of the struggle of the Palestinian in a world where choices are rare and liberation is intangible.

J'ADORE BEING ONE!

There are times when you find something for which you were never looking, and you are reminded that we are all connected in some way....not just to each other but to everything around us.

We are all made up of the same life, the same emotion, the same energy. You see it in the tree above. A portrait created by nature. An undeniable account that a soul will forever live through the roots of this tree. Below you'll find more evidence of this universal life blood that flows through us all.

Friday, March 24, 2006

J'ADORE LE SINGE!


I love the monkey in this photo. The Ann Slater glasses, the Vivienne Westwood knitcap, the way he's crossed his legs...

Reminds me of my cousin.

(Are those his balls down there??? I'm confused.)

J'ADORE FRO!


What the hell was Phil Spector thinking when he went into court that fine day with his damn hair looking like that??? I know this pic is old, but I can't seem to get over it!

I bet you anything it was a subliminal attempt to persuade the jury in believing his insanity plea.
Take me to your leader!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

JE N'ADORE PAS!

I am very saddened by this late breaking news. Je N'Adore Pas this in a BIG way. In an issue of the Science Journal focusing on global warming, it was reported that if global trends continue as they are, we could see sea levels 20 feet higher than they are now.

This means saying goodbye to Miami. Say goodbye to the Maldives. One day, we'll wonder if the Caribbean Islands ever even existed!!

By the end of this century, the earth will be 4 degrees warmer than it is today...that's about as hot as it was 130,000 years ago.

As much as I love 60 degree weather in New York City in January, global warming MUST be stopped.

What are YOU going to do to J'Adore your planet?

J'ADORE TORNADOS!



I know this is not a laughing matter, but we are DYING over here!

It seems that a tornado sucked some poor 19 year old in Missouri out his trailer in nothing but his boxer shorts and dropped him off in a pasture a quarter mile down the road!

Little Matt Suter was okay after the ordeal, and so was his family, but you have to read this shit and let me know if you laughed as hard I did...

Talk about a fuckin' blow job!

TORNADO TOUR!

J'ADORE LA BERACASA!


CAN WE JUST ALL J'ADORE FABIOLA BERACASA TOGETHER NOW...

J'ADORE!

Isn't Fabiola just the most J'Adorable thing you've ever seen?! We at J'Adore Joey were graced with Fab's presence today at the office. She was wearing the hottest little CHANEL number...EVER! We were just gonna rip it off her trim little body, leaving her to hail a cab in nothing but her Agent Provocateur undies! Above you see her with one of our oldest friends in the world from college, Lauren Davis, who we J'Adore just as much.

Below you see her with our sister in criminal decoration, Carlos Mota (Carlito, as we like to call him on the weekends)...


Can't you just image all the trouble our little Fab gets into? Email me, and I'll tell you about it...

J'ADORE IMOGEN HEAP!


Born and bred in Romford, Essex, 28 year old Imogen Heap, ROCKS IT OUT!!! You guys might know her from Frou Frou whose Garden State soundtrack breakout hit single shot her to the top of the charts!

Her latest, album, Speak For Yourself, is even better than the last. If you haven't yet bought the album, you have to do so, like YESTERDAY!!

Click Link for More

IMOGEN HEAP!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

JE N'ADORE PAS!

All you bitches with your Escalades and your Beamers and your Mercedes Benz are getting all up in my balls and killin' my boys!

The meds up at USC (GO TROJANS!!!) have determined today that ozone formed in smoggy air was indirectly responsible for decreased sperm production by causing inflammation in the testes and by producing toxic substances in the blood that damage sperm.

So you all best park your cars and just get to steppin' cuz even though I don't currently need my boys, I don't necessarily want you killin' 'em off either!!

Word...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

J'ADORE THE (NUDE) CONSTANT GARDENER!

Tonight's final posting comes at you twofold.

First off, have we heard of this weird fascination with nude gardening? Apparently there's an entire following to this "sport" of sorts. Clubs, newsgroups, gatherings, etc. all taking place nationwide. I don't know. Although I can afford to accidentally snip a foot or two off the "apparatus" I don't think it would be fun to do so...

Secondly, I finally saw The Constant Gardener last night. An amazing film reminding us of the horrors of corporate drug companies and the plight of the African man in a world where there just seems to be no choices.

J'ADORE ARCHAEOLOGY!


This is the kind of shit that drives me WILD with excitement. Yesterday, a 2500 year old sarcophagus with vivid color illustrations from Homer's epics was discovered in western Cyprus.. It was found in a tomb near the village of Kouklia. As expected, the tomb, which belonged to an ancient warrior, was looted during antiquity.

In one large painting, Ulysses and his comrades escape from the blind Cyclops Polyphemos' cave, hidden under a flock of sheep. Another depicts a battle between Greeks and Trojans from the Iliad.

If anyone is my total bitch, it's definitely Homer!

Monday, March 20, 2006

J'ADORE LEWD CONDUCT!

Meet Samuel McGilton. The 72-year-old West Virginia man is due today in an Ohio court to face a misdemeanor public indecency charge. McGilton was arrested last Friday for an incident earlier this month at the public library in Bellaire.

According to cops, a surveillance camera captured McGilton pleasuring himself while seated at a table in the library's mezzanine. And, yes, he was wearing a dress at the time.

Reminds me of my days in The Stacks...

Also, I want to send out a very special shout out to our boy A.T. who spent the weekend in the slammer due to a Saint Patrick's Day incident! Hope it doesn't hurt much when you walk...

JE N'ADORE PAS!


Thou must not forsake thyself, and rent thus movie. Why doth thou create movies which thine own mind not comprehend? What say you, oh people of New York, when the morn is green, and the sky is blue with light that doth yonder window break... Only to be troubled and confronted thus by words which make no sense to thee.

So, go drag the director hither by the hair. Nor age nor honour shall shape privilege, for this proud mock I'll be thy slaughterman! Sly frantic wretch, that holp'st to make this film great, in hope thyself should govern New York and me.

JE N'ADORE PAS!


One thing I DEFINITELY Je N'Adore Pas are walking tours in NYC. These tourists sign up for guided walks through trendy neighborhoods, and they listen to some random talk about history, hotspots, "it happened here" locations etc...

I would LOVE to be one of these guides and just take a bunch of hapless tourists around NYC and just LIE to them all day long...

"This is Florent, and it has been here since the 18th century. It is THE OLDEST diner in Manhattan...some would even say the entire country. Few people know this, but Abraham Lincoln had his first hamburger EVER here just a week before he was assassinated!"

I would just die. You know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna sign up to be a guide! hahaha

Sunday, March 19, 2006

J'ADORE NEW YORK STORIES!

I love when peeps from out of town come to New York to visit and they experience things that, let's be real, only fuckin' happen in New York.

Above is my friend, Laur..., umm, Jane. Jane is in New York on business, and she decides to go to Brit Pop night at Luke & Leroy, as any HOT publishing world bitch would do on a visit to New York. Jane meets Jona..., umm, John at Brit Pop night. John is a special events director at a theater on 42nd Street owned by Disney. (To me, this has homosexual written all over it, but I digress...)

Jane and John engage in tittilating conversation. They imbibe in their angel's share. They get closer over a small amount of disco dust. They end up in her hotel room.

After a fun shower, Jane realizes she has no condoms. So Jane and John leave the hotel room to purchase some. John contributes nothing to the purchase besides a rolled up dollar bill. Thanks, John.

A night filled with 3 seconds of passion ensues, and in the morning, John wakes up to a breakfast of disco dust and water before band practice. You all saw this coming, no? John asks Jane for a dollar bill in order to "eat" his breakfast. John hugs Jane goodbye, puts her dollar bill in his pocket and walks out the door!!!

HE RECLAIMED THE DOLLAR HE HAD CONTRIBUTED FOR CONDOMS JUST 6 HOURS BEFORE!!!

Jane is left in her hotel room alone, bitter, unsatisfied and one dollar poorer...

Only in New York, Bitches. Only in New York.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

J'ADORE SUPERMODEL PUGS!

This is one of my most favorite supermodels! Her name is Suki, and she hails from a small town in the Sichuan province of China.

Model scouts found her one afternoon working in the rice paddies and immediately shipped her off to New York to work with photography greats Steven Meisel, Patrick Demarchelier and David LaChapelle. IMG Model Management immediately signed her to a 5 year contract worth upwards of $25 million.

Here we see her giving fierce editorial while wearing Barc Jacobs for the September cover of Dogue, the Fall Fashion issue. Gisele is a DOG compared to Suki! Work, Bitch!

J'ADORE JUST A DRUNK OL' BOY!


J'adore when has been actors get arrested for drinking and driving in their old has been age. Tom Wopat (far right) was arrested in Ringwood, NJ last night and charged with driving while intoxicated and reckless driving.

He was so drunk that he drove over countless orange cones and then almost hit a cop car! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Does anyone else find this hysterical? It's just so sad.

Friday, March 17, 2006

J'ADORE LITERARY FASHION!


Ukrainian designer Andre Tan showed his collection during Kiev Fashion Week today, and he sent his models down the runway wearing books on their heads as hats.

Do you think this is the closest these models have come to books since their careers began?



J'ADORE MENEHUNE!


I'm only J'Adoring this because of St. Patrick's Day and because of the absurdity of it all. It seems that the Hawaiians have an equivalent of the leprechaun. It is called the Menehune (pronounced men-uh-HOO-nee).

It's seems these warrior little people dwell in the forest on the island of Kauai. It also seems these little people built a very intricate irrigation system that brought water from the Waimea River to the taro fields, and it seems that they built this intricate irrigation system all in one night!

Umm, I'm a believer in myths and all and I'm into the fact that the Menehune look like Marvin the Martian, but I think it's time the Hawaiian people got out of the sun and back into their cool tiki huts.

J'ADORE WHEN COWS FLY!


So I guess some crazy ass cow in San Antonio, Texas could no longer bear being cooped up in the back of a trailer that was speeding down the interstate because the back doors of the trailer swung open and a giant cow came flying out the back!

This cow apparently flew around for a couple of minutes (maybe I'm exagerating) before slamming into oncoming traffic. And then hilarity ensued... One cow died, a car chase went underway, two illegal mexican immigrants were caught in the process and then two cop cars burst into flames!!!

I think I saw this once in a Jerry Lewis movie!

Click Link For Full Story

Flying Cows!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

J'ADORE SOCCER!


Only the Dutch can come with the idea to pit a group of Muslims against a group of gays in a soccer game to ease frustration between the two communities!

Muslim-gay tension is the theme of the soccer tournament organized by the Institute of Multicultural Development, and it's gonna be held next week.

I'm speechless at how genius this is! Do you think they'll televise it on ESPN???

J'ADORE DISORDER IN THE UNIVERSE!



Ummmm.....

J'ADORE ORDER IN THE UNIVERSE!


Astronomers reported yesterday a very rare discovery of a nebula twisted like the double helix of DNA over 480 trillion miles long (80 light-years). Unlike anything ever seen before in the cosmos, this finding indicates a very high degre of order in the universe. Nebulae are usually formless, amorphous conglomerations of dust and gas.

Just a reminder, Bitches, that we are all one, we are all interconnected and we are all here for a reason... Don't ask me what reason cuz I haven't figured it out yet.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

J'ADORE CARLA BRUNI!


Quelqu'un m'a dit que je dois acheter le CD de Carla Bruni. En faite, c'etait la meilleure d├ęcision que je pourrais avoir prise. J'Adore Carla Bruni. Le CD s'appelle Quelqu'un M'a Dit, et on dois l'acheter!

J'ADORE DICK!

You guys are soooo dirty, and I LOVE it! Why do you always think that I'm going there?!

ANYWAY...Dick The Movie is a political comedy set in the Watergate era. It's the story of Betsy and Arlene, played by Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst, who, during a high school trip to the White House, encounter a slew of political figures including President Nixon himself. They then become intricately involved in the largest cover-up in political history, and hilarity ensues...

Everyone should go out and get some DICK immediately!

J'ADORE NEW OCEANS!


Geologists report today that the Horn of Africa is RAPIDLY breaking off the continent, and a new ocean is forming in its place. (Okay, we're using the word rapidly by geologist standards which by our standards would really mean the next 10 million years.)

But it doesn't matter! I'm just mad that there's going to be a new ocean, and I'm not going to be able to visit the nude beaches that will come with it!

Click Link For Full Story

NEW OCEAN FORMS!

J'ADORE THE IDES OF MARCH!


IT'S MARCH 15, BITCHES!

The ominous warning, "Beware the Ides of March," originated with the Roman ruler, Julius Caesar, who was assassinated on the Ides of March - March 15, 44 B.C.E. If you've heard the ominous warning, then it's most likely due to William Shakespeare and his play, Julius Caesar.

The warning itself was made famous in Shakespeare's play on Julius Caesar, when an unidentified soothsayer tells Caesar, who is on his way to the Senate (and his death), "Beware the ides of March." Caesar replies, "He is a dreamer; let us leave him. Pass."

The unidentified soothsayer from Shakespeare's play was a Roman astrologer by the name of Spurinna. It was sometime prior to the fateful day of March 15 that Spurinna had first given Caesar the famous warning to "beware of the Ides of March."
The astrologer, Spurinna, had previously warned Caesar that on "the Ides of March," he would be in great danger. If, however, Julius Caesar took care on that one day - then all would be well.

Caesar had previously made the wise decision to stay within the safety of his bedroom chambers on the 15th of March. However, Caesar's "friend" Decimus (Albinus) Brutus (not Marcus Brutus) managed to convince him that the astrologer's warnings were nothing more than superstitious foolishness.

So Julius Caesar decided to attend the Senate on the 15th of March. On his way to the Senate, Caesar "accidentally" met up with the astrologer. Upon seeing Spurinna, Caesar confidently informed the astrologer: "The Ides of March are come."

Spurinna replied, "Yes, they are come, but they are not past."

Later that day - on March 15, 44 B.C.E - Caesar's enemies assassinated him in the Pompey theater, at the foot of Pompey's statue, where the Roman Senate was meeting that day in the temple of Venus.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

J'ADORE NICK KNIGHT!

Click Pic To Enlarge

We need to talk about photographer Nick Knight because he turns me out. On the front line of fashion and armed only with a camera, Knight has a vision as twisted as the designers with whom he works.

Above is one of my best friends, Shirley Mallmann, shot by Knight in colloboration with Alexander McQueen. Do I need to say more? The spikes piercing her face and flesh, the bleeding eyes and the Mohican braiding....all nothing less than genius!

Let's all J'Adore Nick Knight together now!

J'ADORE MARY CHERRY!


Do you Bitches remeber the show POPULAR on the WB? Well, I do, and one of my favorite characters was Mary Cherry played by the delicious Leslie Grossman. She was the ravenously rich, stubbornly Southern and maliciously maniacal daughter of Cherry Cherry, played by Delta Burke!

As a member of the Glamazons, the ULTRA-exclusive cheerleading squad at her high school, Mary Cherry ruled the campus with an iron fist. Some of my favorite quotes are below...

"What's it gonna take to get me on that squad? Everybody's got a price, even you, whore of Babylon. "

"Screw up my image makeover, freaks, and we'll be going on a double-date with my chainsaw. Okay?"

"If you leave, who is going to guide through the treacherous terrain that is teen skin care?"

....AND SCENE!

J'ADORE FREE SPEECH!

A motorist believes the constitutional right to free speech includes obscene hand gestures. Thomas Burns, of New Castle, contends he was denied his First Amendment free speech rights when he was cited for giving an obscene hand gesture to a construction worker in April, according to a federal lawsuit filed Monday in Pittsburgh.
Burns had become frustrated with a traffic delay and showed the gesture at a construction worker. The worker reported it to a police officer, who cited Burns for disorderly conduct, according to the lawsuit.
The citation was dropped, but Burns filed a lawsuit because he believes he was maliciously prosecuted.

J'ADORE MONROE TOWNSHIP!


BREAKING NEWS!!! I have just been informed that J'ADORE JOEY has fans in Monroe Township, New Jersey! Not that this is surprising because I'm sure you J'Adore us just like we J'Adore you, but we J'Adore that someone out there is logging on so frequently during the day.

Monroe Township fans, please let us know who you are! Email us at Joey@JAdoreJoey.com. If you send a picture, maybe we'll do a special J'Adore Our Fans of the Day!

J'ADORE!!!!

JE N'ADORE PAS!

When I saw this thing this morning, I wasn't sure if I J'Adored it or not...

On the one hand, I love lobsters, but on the other hand, I'm not sure I love albino lobsters that look like they're wearing Galliano fur. Although normally I would J'ADORE that! It IS Galliano after all.

Whatever the case, this lobster was newly discovered in a fissure at the bottom of the ocean just south of Easter Island, and they've aptly named it the Yeti Crab (but it's a lobster). Whatever...

Click link for full article.

YETI CRAB!

Monday, March 13, 2006

J'ADORE GUY BOURDIN!


The late Guy Bourdin was a French photographer best known for his work for French Vogue from the mid-fifties through the eighties. Always graphically strong with a weird sense of alienation, his photographs conveyed a surrealism not commonly found today...

(Unless you watch the Madonna Hollywood video where she proceeds to rip off an entire series of Bourdin photographs and recreates the scenes using herself as the subject. Maybe some of these photos will remind you of the video which motivated Bourdin's son to sue her Madgesty.)